What Gravy Taught Me About My Heart

Maybe you're like me and find that the ordinary-every day-mundane places of life are the breeding ground of aha moments.

That happened to me yesterday as I was making supper.

A scene I've played out hundreds of times. Drippings in the pan. Shake, shake, shake the salt and pepper and stir. Scatter in the flour and stir again. Pour in the milk and stir, stir, stir.

Typical cream gravy my mom taught me to make when I was 7 or 8 years old.

And then a flash of memory showed me something I had never realized before that moment.

I see myself with my brother, David, and sister-in-law, Lynne. We're having supper and the conversation goes something like this...

"Lynne has finally learned how to make lumpy gravy like Mom. Donna, do you know how to make it?"

"Yes, I do." I said.

And I had no idea how. I was 11 or 12, maybe.

And in that gravy-stirring moment, I realized I had always been afraid of looking like I didn't have the answers. And I wonder when that happened; where in my childhood did I receive a message that looking unprepared and unable was failure and a reason for shame.

The Lie of Self-Sufficiency

As a result, throughout my life I've been a 'figure-it-out-er'. Behind the scenes, scrambling to learn how to do something I've told people I could do. Self-sufficient and capable. An answer-seeking Answer-Giver.

I've spent hours buried in research just to learn how to make it work. Since the genesis of YouTube, I've been self-educating and DIYing like a maniac. And there's nothing wrong with that at the core. But when attached to your self-worth and personal meaning, it becomes a debilitating and fear-motivated way of living.

In the last year, I've developed the term self-sourcing to describe this mindset. And the Holy Spirit has taught me (and obviously continues to teach me) about this attitude of looking inside myself for all the answers.

I'm sure psychology would tell me it is a result of not feeling safe as a child. And I'm guessing there's some of that. But I also lived with a mother who didn't feel safe; who struggled with self-esteem and being enough and being the right kind of person.

Mama Tried

My mother was a bright light living in a time when that wasn't encouraged. She wanted more. More education. More opportunities. More for herself and her children. Surrounded by people who told her she was arrogant and thought she was better than everyone else. And the only advocate I know of, her sister Kathy, died when I was 1-year-old. And so she had to push herself up and out and live bravely when she felt anything but brave. So, even if she taught me to self-source, she also taught me to stand straight and tall and make the best of what I had at hand and to keep learning and growing and becoming a better version of myself.

But I didn't recognize that about her until much, much later.

And so I'm sure I wear my Mother's heart and vision somewhere as the root of my own fear of appearing less than or foolish or incapable. But I also wear her bravery and continuing desire to become all the Lord fashioned me for.

Self--sourcing has been my armor. "I don't need anyone or anything. I can handle it. I can do it." My friend Theresa said that inside all of us self-sufficient women is a four-year-old stomping her feet and saying, "Me do it!".

And because of my unacknowledged belief that no one was coming to help me or save me or deliver me, I taught the people around me that I am okay, so they don't recognize how needy I am. How afraid I get. How hard life is sometimes! But I can't be upset with them, can I? Because not only did I fool myself, I fooled them, too. And the truth is, we teach people how to treat us.

And even acknowledging this struggle makes me a little afraid that people will think I'm just a faker. Not trustworthy. Not worthy. So there's that.

Source vs Resource

But we were never meant to self-source.

Rather, we need to acknowledge the Lord as the Source and let Him supply all the resources we need. Including letting people in to help you in hard times and rejoice with you in the good. 

Confession means telling the truth. Repentance means admitting where you got it wrong and turning in the opposite direction. And that is self-awareness. 

We spiritualize it to the point we think we have to bow three times to the east, cry buckets of tears, crawl on broken glass and admit it to some imagined crowd of people watching and hoping for our utter failure.

Instead, we stand at the stove stirring gravy and say, "Oh Lord, thank you for showing me the roots of my struggle and sin. I don't want to live that way any longer. Please forgive me for always trying to protect myself. Help me stop relying on myself in all the hidden ways. Teach me how to lean on You for everything. Help me admit when I am struggling and to ask for help. Help me, Father, to stop trying to have all the answers. Thank you. Amen."

And in the confession and repentance, I understand He crafted me to be a person who is an Answer-Finder. A Solution-Discover-er. And realize when He sanctifies the gift, it makes it Holy. So even if I don't have it all figured out, He is healing what's broken and turning it into something stronger and more life-giving. 

And He'll do the same for you, too.

I encourage you to invest some time in your own gravy-stirring activity today. And let the Holy Spirit show you the roots of your own fear, or self-sourcing, or belief that you are alone.